Monday, April 11, 2005

Suicide Bombers Protest: Heavenly Virgins Not What They Appear'

hahahaah heres a hilarious parady of the 72-virigins concept =D Paradise, Heaven�In an unprecedented class action lawsuit taking place in the afterworld, Mohammed Atta, Ahmad Al Haznawi and several other suicide bombers have called into question the legitimacy of dozens of �so called� beautiful virgins they were allotted after their death. �We were promised 72 beautiful virgins if we died as martyrs. I shaved, I powdered and I drove a friggin plane into a building," Atta said. �All I asked for were a few dozen �Ji-hotties.� I don�t think that�s too much to ask.� were they really worth dying for? Ahmad Al Haznawi agreed. �It�s ridiculous to think we killed thousands of infidels for these dogs,� Al Haznawi said. �Most of them aren't even Muslim and some are wrinkled old hags. That lady over there played Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies.� Granny also tried to pass herself off as "untouched" According to their lawyer Carl Goldstein, not only were most of the women unattractive, but several of them didn�t appear as virginal as advertised. �I have evidence that at least three of the women may have worked as common street hookers when they were alive. That just doesn�t seem fair.� Suicide bomber Abdul Hamatas is convinced many of the women lied about their sex lives. �There is no way some of these girls are virgins. No way whatsoever. It was like having sex with a jar of mayonnaise-- if you know what I mean.� One virgin in question fired back angrily.�I can�t help that my hymen broke during horseback riding lessons when I was 13. Besides, I�m not loose, that jerk just has a small penis!� When Hamatas tried to execute her for her comments, he was reminded they were already dead. The Chief Cleric in charge of distributing virgins to the martyrs acknowledged the problem and insists they have it under control. �Look, it�s not easy, they die and we only have a couple minutes warning before they�re all like �hey, where are my virgins?� No talk about visiting with Allah or Mohammed or any of their dead family members. They�re acting like a bunch of spoiled, horny brats if you ask me.� Due to the unrest caused by the lawsuit, heavenly promises to potential martyrs will be modified in the future. �Beginning in June we are instituting a new policy that will give each suicide bomber two virgins, six women of child bearing years and then the rest will be sort of a grab bag.�

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